I almost killed myself - Real story

I was born in Christians families, and I am thankful because of that. But, one thing for sure, it doesn't matter what religion you are, one person will always face a situation where he or she can't get enough of it.

When I was a little child, I ought to not think about the world ahead of me. I just live in this world and hope that everything will be prepared for me by my parents. I always wanted to take something for granted.

As I grow up every day I was asking about my self of what I'd be if I become like this or what it be if I choose that. I am very sad to know that my life was full of questions. But, I still walk with my life and pretending that everything is okay.

I am a very good Christian child, I was thought about a good thing and expose to have a good manner. However, there was sometimes I question my faith, and as I growing up and meeting different people from all around the place, my faith was started to fade up.

In the year 2005, suddenly, I was diagnosed with depression. I kept quiet and tried to keep it by myself. I didn't brag to any of my family nor friends. I remembered how pathetic my life was in that time. I was around 22 years old at that time. I am still young blood and haven't ready for the cruel reality of the world.

I was exposed to the reality of the world, where I can't find any peace and started to label myself as someone who had no future. I forgot where did I started to feel like I am alone. Little that I, I actually lacked spiritual for almost 2 and a half years, I am trying to search my own path rather than listen to what God had told me to do. Mostly, I do what I like. I was pursuing something that I should not have done to.

I was defeated by the darkness of my ego, my intelligence that brings me down and I was living like a dead person.  I pray I sing but deep inside my heart I know that I am pretending. I was torn and ate by the depression. At first place I was thinking, what did I do until I get to this point? I am hoping that people will always be surrounding me.

Truthfully, the most basic things I did until I was so away from God for almost 2 or 3 years because I was comparing myself to others because I can't get what I want, I was broke, I had heartbreak, and most of it, I don't have anyone.

It is understandable why a lot of people suicide because they felt alone and feeling that nobody was there during their outbreaks.

Honestly, I don't have any problems with anyone, not even my parents or friends. I am okay with everything, but, what makes me felt like giving up because I feel really alone. If I see back about what going on in my life, nothing wrong, it just me. 

Until I felt like I had this mental illness because, at one time, I wanted to kill myself. I was into this depression myself because I seem everything was not okay with what I plan with. Because of money and I was felt like I was far behind everybody.

Then, something happened to me, after all these shits that happened, I tried to look back and understand one by one. I didn't get any answer. it all started with me. Because I was thinking too much and thinking that I am able to go through everything with my own self.

Unfortunately, it's not like that. I had no one beside me although they were physically there in front of my eyes. But, I can't speak to anyone about what I feel, I didn't trust anyone. At one point, this depression eating me up. There's a little voice said I am not good enough, I don't have the future, I will not get married, I am going to die at a young age, useless, hopeless and you nothing. I cried and prepared something horrible to happen, I was about to end my life but then, everything turned as what I did not expect.

It's a week before I planned to do something horrible, I was in this bus stop, I was planning to walk see the sunset before everything went black. I don't think I can make it.  Suddenly out of the blue, this old man, saying to me "I lost my child when he was just 18 years old. He killed himself." I was shocked because I did not mention anything about suicide, and that man suddenly appeared and talk about that.

And I was asking, why he do it, that old man said, "I think it is our fault because we as a parent were not aware of this thing. We taught him to be okay, I am also don't know why is he doing that. But, I guess, young people are so fragile. I'm a bit disappointed and angry. But, there's nothing I can do about it. My wife left me because of that and married another guy. I have nothing left".

Then the bus arrived, and he gets on that bus. Later I understand that is God is trying to tell me something?. Suicide is not the answer to everything. In fact, it troubles other people. I can see that grieve from that old man. though I don't know what the real story is. I can see that the old man blaming himself for a thing that he didn't do.

And I was thinking like, what the hell did I do? I find that it is such a weird thing that happened that day. And until now I will never forget how that old man spoke out of nowhere. I never saw that man again. I felt a little bit scared. However, it's relieved that something speaks about suicide. And after that incident, I never think about suicide anymore until now. I still had depression, but I learn to share it with my counselor, because what just happened really freak me out.

No matter how hard our situation is, Suicide is never the answer.



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