I almost killed myself | Short story 2020

I was born in Christian families, and I am thankful because of that. But, one thing for sure, it doesn't matter what religion you are, one person will always face a situation where they can't get enough of it.

When I was a little child, I ought to not think about the world ahead of me. I just live in this world and hope that everything will be prepared for me by my parents. I always wanted to take something for granted.

As I grow up every day, I asked myself what I'd be if I become like this or what it be if I choose that? I am very curious to know about everything. But, I still walk with my life and pretending that everything is okay.

I am a very good Christian child; I was taught a good thing and practice to have a good manner. However, sometimes I question my faith, and as I growing up and meeting different people from all around the place, my faith was started to fade up.

In the year 2005, suddenly, I was diagnosed with depression. I kept quiet and tried to keep it by myself. I didn't brag to any of my family nor friends. I remembered how pathetic my life was at that time. I was around 22 years old at that time. I am still young and lots of things yet to learn.

I was exposed to the reality of the world, where I can't find any peace, and started to label myself as someone who had no future. I forgot where did I started to feel like I am alone. Little that I know, I lacked spiritual for almost 2 and a half years; I am trying to search for my own path rather than listen to the voice of God. I was pursuing something that I should not have done to.

I was defeated by the darkness of my ego, my intelligence that brings me down, and I was living like a dead person. I pray I sing, but deep inside my heart, I know that I am pretending. I was torn and ate by the depression. In the first place, I was thinking, what did I do until I get to this point? I am hoping that people will always be surrounding me.

Truthfully, the roots of depressions for almost 2 or 3 years are because I was so obsessed with money. I was having a good amount of money when I was still in my 20s. But now, I had nothing, and I had a lot of bills to pay. I was stressed because of that.

It is understandable why many people commit suicide because they felt alone and feeling that nobody was there during their outbreaks. I am okay with everything, but I was sucked into deep thoughts that wanted to end everything little by little.

I wanted to kill myself. Because of money, I was deeply stressing out.

I had no one beside me, although they were physically there in front of my eyes. But, I can't speak to anyone about what I feel; I didn't trust anyone. At one point, this depression eating me up. I was in the room locked up myself. There's a little voice said I am not good enough, I don't have the future, useless, hopeless, end it, it will be quicked. I was crying and afraid. My heart was beating so fast, I can't breathe, then I pass out.

Little that I know, I was awake at that time, and I was in the hospital. My friend, who found me at that time, saw me lying in my room. I was resting for a while, and suddenly out of the blue, this nurse, an old-looking guy, settling my bed and saying to me, "I lost my child when he was just 18 years old. He killed himself." I was shocked because I did not mention suicide, but I still asked him politely why he did that?

The nurse said, "I think it is our fault because we didn't do a good job. I guess young people are so fragile. That is so sad. They didn't manage to enjoy this world; while there's a lot of opportunity in front, they just didn't see it. They focus only on one problem".

Then he stops talking and walk away. Suicide is not the answer to everything. In fact, it troubles other people. I can see that grieve from that nurse. Though I don't know what the real story is. I can see that he blames himself for a thing that he didn't do.

I realise, what the hell did I do? I find that it is such a weird thing that happened that day. And until now, I will never forget how that nurse told me. As soon I get out of the hospital, that incident never gets erase from my memories. I got to move on.

No matter how hard our situation is, Suicide is never the answer.

Disclaimer; The character and name used in this short story are a made-up name, and it is based on the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual events, locale or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

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